Tesar-Reynes

When I wanted to move to Chicago from New York, I did it all the wrong way! I did not keep my wife up to date on the firms I was looking at, whether they required relocation or what their status was. My rationale was that why jerk her around with possibilities when there was nothing certain.

The only thing certain was the mushroom cloud in the kitchen when I mentioned the probable offer from Chicago…she had never even been there.

Now I am not the brightest star in the sky, but I am not alone. There are a number of candidates that I have talked with that have said, “Don’t worry, my wife is cool.”

In reality, I don’t know if they are cool. Because I’m a recruiter, I could be dealing with a prideful candidate or a fearful one.

One side is the old “Me Tarzan, You Jane” mentality, the vestigial belief that the man rules the roost. On the other side, the candidate does not want to come off wishy-washy; incapable of making a decision. He or she also wants to keep as many pots on the fire as possible.

A piece of advice; try to follow this decision path when you are considering a move to another state:

1. Let the family know you are looking and why.

2. Communicate and agree to the objectives for the search.

3. Discuss whether relocation is possible. The usual short-term answer is, “No – not unless we have to.”

4. Scratch the surface on what the conditions would be to require moving.

5. If the job search is drawing few leads, go back to steps 2-4.

6. If the answer changes to maybe, write down and put on the wall:
- Job objectives (revised)
- Places possible; not possible and why
- Potential financial costs to the family (mate’s job loss, etc.)
- Where you are on your house value/mortgage

7. If step 6 is explosive, back off for a while. If there is rationale discourse, fill in details under the big headings.

8. If a job offer comes in from out of town, sit down and get real honest with each other. A number of marriages have failed because the mate that was dragged along to a new location never forgave the move.

Whether you eventually have to move or not, you both will have gained some valuable insights into your individual beliefs and needs.